What Is Sex?

I’m going to be relatively vague in this section.  If you want to be fancy and talented and learn all sorts of neat tricks, you can always try the rest of the internet.

The next few physical acts are usually described along with the word “sex”.  After Monica Lewinsky, the government appears to be of the opinion that oral sex is sex.  Since Anal Sex and Oral Sex both have the word ‘sex’ in them, I’m going to also place them in that category.  As for whether or not having done these things makes you a virgin—I don’t care, you decide.


            Made famous by a recent president, oral sex consists of all sexual activities that involve the use of the mouth, tongue, and other oral parts to stimulate the sex organs.  Oral sex performed on a man is termed fellatio, and oral sex performed on a woman is termed cunnilingus.  Slang words for fellatio and cunnilingus include giving head or going down on someone, blow job or eating out.

This act is or was until recently illegal in some states and countries, and isn’t for everyone.  Many people use oral sex as a form of contraception or as a form of foreplay.  A woman can not get pregnant from oral sex because semen does not come near the vagina. 

Although oral sex is considered the safest form of sex, many STDs can be transmitted through oral sex, including oral herpes (cold sores) and even HIV/AIDS.  Therefore, oral sex should be performed with the use of a condom or a dental dam.  To limit transmission of STDS, oral sex should be avoided when either partner has open sores or wounds on the genitals or mouth, or if the giver has recently brushed, flossed, undergone dental work, or eaten abrasive foods that might cause scratches or cuts in the mouth.

To make a dental dam, cut off the tip of a condom and then cut down it lengthwise to create a rectangle of latex.

            Safe to Swallow?  Urban legends claim that semen is nutritious and a good source of protein.  Unfortunately, semen is probably not best for an Atkins diet—semen contains water and small amounts of salt, protein, and fructose sugar, calcium, chlorine, some minerals, and very trace amounts of urine.  Not necessarily the most nutritious combination, but mostly harmless.   Neither male nor female sexual bodily fluids are harmful to a sexual partner unless they contain STIs.  If the semen does contain STI’s it can be very dangerous and lead to all sorts of icky things like oral abrasions.

            69 Oral sex can be performed simultaneously by both partners in a sixty nine position, like the Arabic numerals.  I am not going to diagram where each specific body part goes—use your imagination. 


            Anal sex is sex play involving the anus and rectum, and usually refers to the insertion of the erect penis into the rectum through the anus.  The use of sex toys and other activities involving the anus is sometimes also considered anal sex. 

            Anal sex can be pleasurable for both partners, whether male or female.  This is because when the man is receiving anal sex, his prostate is being stimulated, and when a woman is receiving anal sex, the skin in between the vagina and the rectum has shared nerve endings.  For the giver, the anus is usually tighter than you figure it out.  Anal sex remains taboo in some cultures and was banned in some states until the Supreme Court ruled in June 2003 that sodomy laws were unconstitutional.

In several cultures female receptive anal intercourse with men is more acceptable, since it is viewed as a contraceptive method—there is less risk of unwanted pregnancy via unprotected anal sex than unprotected vaginal intercourse.  In fact, prostitutes in ancient Greece and Rome used to insist on anal intercourse to prevent pregnancy.  However, since the anus is close to the vagina, it is still possible for some semen to spill into the vagina and result in pregnancy.

Unprotected anal sex is the sexual activity which most effectively transmits HIV/AIDS; anal sex can also transmit other STDs.  Condoms or latex gloves should be used for any anal intercourse.  Also, since the anus and rectum do not secrete lubrication, rectal tissue may tear from trauma.  Water or silicone based artificial lubricants should be used with condoms. Nothing that has been placed in or at the anus, including fingers, should ever contact the vulva, vagina, or mouth without having first been thoroughly washed, to avoid bacterial infections.  Nothing more than 8 inches long should ever be placed in the rectum; this could result in the tearing of the colon, which is very, very bad.  Nothing without a flared or flanged base should be placed in the anus, lest you want to explain to your housing director you need transportation to UCLA’s emergency room because you have a fork stuck up your ass.

 PIV Intercourse

            The traditional, tab A goes into slot B, penis into vagina sex you heard about from your cousin when you were six, and officially learned about in middle school.  In other words, you didn’t come from a stork.

            Depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle and depending on how long the man’s semen survives in her body, the woman might become pregnant.  Your parents did it your parents did it your parents did it neener neener.  In fact, if you feel physically tempted to do stuff when you mentally know you shouldn’t, you might want to tell yourself that your parents did it your parents did it your parents did it ha ha ha.  Unprotected PV Intercourse can also spread STDs.

            Also called making love, PIV intercourse can be seen in some Hollywood films, where foreplay is minimal, it’s always their first time, nothing is awkward, dirty, or hurts, no obvious contraceptives are used, and everyone comes at the same time.